THE GHOST OF HALLOWEENS PAST

Today, with only 222 days left until Halloween 2016, we’ll take a trip down memory lane with the ghost of Halloween past. It’s me, guys! The ghost is just me dressed normally but covered in powder and pearlescent glitter so I look pale and magical, ghostly if you will!

I pride myself on being good at Halloween. It's campy and irreverent, it's an excuse to have a party and it's a mad grab for attention. All things at which I excel, IMHO.

But today you can be the judge, as we go through a highlights reel of my past Halloween costumes in painstaking detail.

Buckle up! I'm a ghost!

By far, my biggest hit ever was 2014’s

Cozy O’Donnell

The concept behind Cozy O’donnell is simple, Rosie O’Donnell in her comfies, the real Rosie, when she’s off the clock. Cozy was product of groupthink in the penthouse of the wythe hotel, and I only write that because I know it makes me sound cool as fuck. It was the fated night when my friends brought to my attention, what they call, “a character flaw.” I have a tendency to “Viewin” conversations. Viewin (rhymes with ruin, not a coincidence) means to ham-handedly steer any topic of conversation towards a discussion of daytime TV’s The View.

I threw Cozy together with things I already owned (the only thing I bought was the wig) which is what leads me to believe that Cozy O’donnell was inside of me all along.

(For more Cozy O’Donnell, follow her on Twitter @CozyODonnell)

Billy Gay Cyrus

I was once told by a professor that puns are the lowest form of humor. Maybe, maybe not-- what I do know is that when a good pun hits, it hits hard. And I’ve never heard a better pun than Billy Gay Cyrus. Upon heard the words uttered, I decided immediately that I would embody this gay country god on the day of All Hallows Eve. I did a lot of square dancing.

With a mullet wig and fringe vest from Forever 21’s plus size department (or Forever 22, as my sister refers to it) and some DIY iron-on letters, Billy Gay came alive and won me a costume contest at work-- seven days later, I was let go. PROBABLY A COINCIDENCE.

Let Us Play With Your Look

Not every costume on this list is based in a lazy pun. Some of them are straight rip offs of things I think are funny, cool and/or very obscure.

Let Us Play With Your Look is a bit from one or both of Jimmy Fallon’s late night shows, in which he and a guest pull someone out of the audience and fuck them up. Me and my good friend Evelynne loaded a box full of shit to put in people’s hair, donned our blonde wigs and spent the entirety of Halloween 2011 putting shit in people’s hair.

Here’s a video of the segment on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon and guest Ann Hathaway.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFs53ArxSbo

Uncle Fester

I mean… I nailed it. The crowning achievement of this costume was the lightbulb. I found one on amazon that i could turn on and off with my tongue. It drove people wild. I was stopped THREE times in the subway so people could take pictures with me. The 2013 mad grab for attention was a success!

King Kandy of Candyland

What’s more fun than an elaborate group costume. I can’t think of one thing! In 2012, myself and a group of close friends and classmates dressed as the cast of Candyland, the childhood game and root of my obesity.

I committed too hard and dyed my hair bright-ass pink. Im almost sure that the trauma to my scalp is what expedited my hair loss, but hey, it was Halloween-- totally worth it. 

I've also masqueraded as Jimmy Neutron, Bam Bam Rubble, a Shamrock Shake, a classic skeleton, a polar bear, a cowboy, Paris Hilton and many more.

Is it safe to say that Halloween is my favorite holiday? Don't be stupid-- that's Christmas.

But I do love halloween, and I look forward to loving it for the rest of my life. I can guarantee that this year's costume is going to be dope, and can't wait to reveal it to you right here on this very blog.

CHEAT DAZE

On this the 229th day before Halloween 2016, let’s take a moment to talk about cheat days, because every day in the near past has been just that, a cheat day.

I don’t necessarily believe in the concept of a cheat day. I don’t think that treating yourself or loosening the reins a little is a bad thing and I think guilt is an emotion best reserved for murder and littering.

But when I found myself hiding behind a chair and tearing into the spinach-dip-soaked husk of a party-sized bread bowl, I really took a hard look at myself and thought: Is this really what’s best for me?

The answer was obviously "no."

That was two weekends ago. I was at home in Philadelphia visiting with my friends and family. I was greeted with a giant bag of cookies, and my mom asked me to help her bake a flourless chocolate cake. I ate everything I could see. I realized that while a lot of my friends have coffee problems, I have a toffee problem. But whatever, it just means we can always meet at Starbucks.

(I hate hate hate Starbucks, it’s MacDonalds but worse. That’s a post for another day.)

I am happy to say that I did get my act together. While I didn’t lose any weight that week, I didn’t gain any either. I made it to the gym (once) and instead of meeting for drinks, a friend and I walked the Williamsburg bridge and caught up.

Then this past weekend hit. I was going to be good. I was going to eat carrots in front of the TV and watch all 13 hours of House of Cards.

But when presented with the option to not be an antisocial hermit, I took it… especially because that option came with pasta.

Almost all the socializing I do is centered around food. Going out to dinner, going out to brunch, drinking, eating a stranger’s birthday cake by the fistful at 3 am in a basement bar, this is how I stay in contact with the people around me.

Socializing is important to me because I’m a textbook extrovert. I get my energy from external sources. It’s code for: Please pay attention to me.

And while you’re paying attention, please provide snacks. Anything from Trader Joe’s that’s dipped in chocolate will do just fine. But they do have chocolate covered toffee and I would prefer that. THANKKKKSSSSSXXOO

HEY OPRAH, I LIKE BREAD TOO

Hello Readers! 

Sorry for posting so late today! 

I've take a foray into video editing in order to present you with this! 

MY OPRAH BREAD COMMERCIAL 

If you've been reading you know that it was Oprah's bread commercial that encouraged me to sign back up for Weight Watchers.

Nobody asked me to, but I made my own commercial for bread... i mean weight watchers.

Enjoy! 

P.s. I don't know why Blogspot displays youtube videos so poorly.  I'm going to move this whole production to tumblr, but in the mean time this still "functions."